Dealing with Depression

It's not something I like to talk about.

I'm pretty sure it's something no one likes to talk about.

It's painful. Raw. Vulnerable.

It's definitely not something I brag about. And in truth, not many people know it happened and of those who do, there was one who used it against me. That made it a thousand times worse. So, I resolved to keep silent....until I realized that knowledge is power.

I suffered from Postpartum Depression.

In truth, it was a hormonal imbalance/vitamin deficiency. But then again, I'm pretty sure many cases are.

I scared my husband during that time, but mostly I scared myself. I pride myself in always being in control of the one thing I can trust-my mind. But during this time, I had NO idea of how to control my thoughts and emotions.

I was completely out of control of my emotions. If I got upset, I would bottom out and on more than one occasion, totally freak out. I would often have panic attacks over the slightest thing. I couldn't trust my own mind, no matter that I KNEW that I was acting irrationally, I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't just cry, I would be lost in sobbing convulsions. I felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. I was completely overwhelmed with life in general and I didn't know what to do about it.

My case wasn't one of those severe cases where the mom harms her baby. I never had a desire to harm him. Not once. But there were days that I didn't want to exist anymore. Days that I just knew that everyone would be better off without me. Days that I was just tired of hurting. Tired of being.

My husband begged me to talk to my doctor. She immediately took me off the birth control I was taking and put me on a high dosage of B6 and B12. There was an immense improvement after that, I was able to function. But it was still there, simmering under the surface. Waiting for a moment of weakness or a catalyst to set it off. It took months-nearly a year-for me to recover-but the effects of it lasted much longer than that.

I think the major lesson I learned through it all is that suffering from an illness like this is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to blame myself for. It wasn't my fault. I also learned that there's no substitute for talking about it and having an amazing support system.

I think God every day for bringing me out of that dark place. And I hope that maybe one day, my suffering in this season of my life and the lessons I learned will be of use to someone else.

quickening

the first time, it's like a butterfly's wing
soft, gentle, easy to mistake
so brief and so rare that it's easy to dismiss
as something else
something not as beautiful

then it happens again and i'm almost sure
but then i wait
and wait
and wait
and feel nothing

it's so slight and unsure and so rare 
that i allow worry
and doubt
and fear
to creep in

then one night-so late it's early-
when i lie as still as can be
and wait
begging to feel it again
then there you are

no longer easy to mistake
no longer cool and gentle
it feels powerful and warm
and distinctly like life
you are real, you are there, you are mine

suddenly i know that everything
will
be
just
fine