Fear Doesn’t Stand A Chance

Last night just after midnight, one of my children was coughing. Because of the spread of COVID-19, I had a full blown panic attack. It took over an hour of scripture reading and prayer for me to calm down. I was completely overcome by fear and anxiety.

For a good portion of the time, I couldn’t even find the words to pray, so I repeated 2 Timothy 1:7-God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind-over and over and then added “perfect love casts out all fear” until I could breathe. When I opened my Bible app, the scripture was about plagues. Fantastic.

Here’s what brought me peace:

First and foremost, my family is covered by the blood of the Lamb. Just like the Hebrew people who spread lamb’s blood on the door frame to be protected from the plagues in Egypt. That means that we have given control of our lives to the risen Savior and nothing comes to us without first passing through Him. But, we can do everything right and still be infected. That much is out of our control, but within His and in the end, “All things work together for the good of those who are called.”

Second, ‘God has not given us a Spirit of fear but of power, and of love,and of a sound mind.” The Bible is clear that fear does not come from above. In fact, according to 1 John 4:18, we know that fear involves torment and is therefore a tool of Satan. Not only does fear not come from God, but His word specifically provides the tools to combat fear.

Power: now on our own, we have no power. That’s why this whole situation is so scary, right? It’s completely out of our control. Our way of life and our routines have completely been upended overnight. Things we have taken for granted (like food and even toilet paper) are no longer readily available. There’s always been an uncertain future, but an uncertain present is completely new and mind-boggling. But though we have no power, we serve an omnipotent God: “Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.” 1 Chronicles 29:11

So the first step to overcoming fear is to acknowledge who is in control. But it doesn’t stop there, because in Acts 1:8, we learn that we also receive power through the Holy Spirit. And our power is in our testimony.

Love: we know that God loves us so much that He sent His son to die for us (John 3:16). Love is so important that it’s the basis of all commandments and the greatest of all virtues is Love. In fact, God is Love. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

But what exactly is Love? “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:4-7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So through God’s love, we love. We love our neighbors and our God. We speak kindness and hope.

Sound Mind/Self-Control: the legal definition of a sound mind is “the ability to think, reason, and understand for oneself.” Self-control is the “ability to control oneself” specifically referring to emotions and behavior.

That’s right. One of the tools against fear is to literally take charge of our emotions and refuse to allow it take over. But self-control doesn’t come naturally. Like children who are ruled by impulsivity, we have to learn self-control. It’s one of the fruit of the spirit, a gift from God that comes with practicing our faith and dying to the flesh. It comes through walking with and being led by the Holy Spirit. Self-control goes hand and hand with the other fruit of the spirit: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:22-23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So no matter what happens, we know that we are overcomes. We can defeat fear and panic by clinging to His promises. By diving deep into the comforts of His Word. By being covered by the blood of the Lamb. By practicing power, love, and self-control. By remembering the works He has already done in our lives. By telling others what He has done. By praising Him for the things He has yet to do.

When fear hits, it can be all-consuming. It can be difficult to pull yourself out of the pit of despair. Fortunately, you don’t have to. God has given us a beautiful step by step plan to combat that fear.

Dealing with Depression

It's not something I like to talk about.

I'm pretty sure it's something no one likes to talk about.

It's painful. Raw. Vulnerable.

It's definitely not something I brag about. And in truth, not many people know it happened and of those who do, there was one who used it against me. That made it a thousand times worse. So, I resolved to keep silent....until I realized that knowledge is power.

I suffered from Postpartum Depression.

In truth, it was a hormonal imbalance/vitamin deficiency. But then again, I'm pretty sure many cases are.

I scared my husband during that time, but mostly I scared myself. I pride myself in always being in control of the one thing I can trust-my mind. But during this time, I had NO idea of how to control my thoughts and emotions.

I was completely out of control of my emotions. If I got upset, I would bottom out and on more than one occasion, totally freak out. I would often have panic attacks over the slightest thing. I couldn't trust my own mind, no matter that I KNEW that I was acting irrationally, I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't just cry, I would be lost in sobbing convulsions. I felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. I was completely overwhelmed with life in general and I didn't know what to do about it.

My case wasn't one of those severe cases where the mom harms her baby. I never had a desire to harm him. Not once. But there were days that I didn't want to exist anymore. Days that I just knew that everyone would be better off without me. Days that I was just tired of hurting. Tired of being.

My husband begged me to talk to my doctor. She immediately took me off the birth control I was taking and put me on a high dosage of B6 and B12. There was an immense improvement after that, I was able to function. But it was still there, simmering under the surface. Waiting for a moment of weakness or a catalyst to set it off. It took months-nearly a year-for me to recover-but the effects of it lasted much longer than that.

I think the major lesson I learned through it all is that suffering from an illness like this is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to blame myself for. It wasn't my fault. I also learned that there's no substitute for talking about it and having an amazing support system.

I think God every day for bringing me out of that dark place. And I hope that maybe one day, my suffering in this season of my life and the lessons I learned will be of use to someone else.

quickening

the first time, it's like a butterfly's wing
soft, gentle, easy to mistake
so brief and so rare that it's easy to dismiss
as something else
something not as beautiful

then it happens again and i'm almost sure
but then i wait
and wait
and wait
and feel nothing

it's so slight and unsure and so rare 
that i allow worry
and doubt
and fear
to creep in

then one night-so late it's early-
when i lie as still as can be
and wait
begging to feel it again
then there you are

no longer easy to mistake
no longer cool and gentle
it feels powerful and warm
and distinctly like life
you are real, you are there, you are mine

suddenly i know that everything
will
be
just
fine